Seven Days of Summer
by Odeena Sabnach
Summary: The LOTR cast goes on vacation... And I mean ALL the cast, orcs and bad guys included ...And where Boromir gets stuck in a TB full of orcs!! ^_^ Don't know what a TB is? Well, you'll know. Soon enough. Pretty please review!


:: Seven Days of Summer ::

:: a messed-up Lord of the Rings adventure ::

1. SUNDAY

6:49 

When Elrond suggested last week that we all took a little vacation, I had no idea the guy was serious about it. Sure, the stress of recent events (insert a LOOONG list of filming various movie scenes, interviews, TV shows, autographs, crazy fan girls and so on here) is beginning to show off – for instance, Samwise Gamgee lost 14 pounds and Aragorn gained 7 – and these are just _two_ examples of what stress can do to a man (let's not mention Boromir singing in the shower or Theoden talking to himself here). All in all, we were all taken by surprise when Elrond – The Dude With Magical Eyebrows, as we secretly call him – told us to start packing two days ago, because we were going on a seven-days trip to the Great Sea and back. And by "we", I mean the whole cast – orcs, goblins and Gollum included, the crew, half the sets and the afferent cortege of fans and paparazzi. 

Since nobody else I know seems to be interested in writing, I – Elebreth, proud participant at the Council of The Dude With M—I mean Elrond (you may remember me – the blonde guy that was sitting next to Legolas?) – have decided to keep a detailed chronicle of all the events in this trip. And if my sixth sense tells me right (just so it happens that it's usually right in 99.9% of the cases), then this is going to be a long and eventful trip…

7:55

Everyone was supposedly meeting here (where _here_ means a random location Elrond, Gandalf and Saruman picked on the freeway) at seven thirty. Since I'm the Chronicle Writer (and PROUD of it, heheee…), I decided to come earlier, so, at seven straight, I, my luggage and Legolas were already at the rendezvous point. 

We didn't have to wait for long. The first ones to show up – well, actually, second ones, after myself and Legolas, or… first ones of the actual group, if we don't count ourselves, or… something like that! – were, surprisingly enough… Nope. I'm ready to bet you five dollars you won't guess it. First ones that shower up, at five past seven, were none other than Gandalf, Saruman and Elrond, in a spiffy red Ford, with Linkin Park booming in the speakers. To be honest, I lost my jaw when I saw them – and Legolas nearly lost his, too, and that means a LOT when it comes to him.

So, back to the trio… ever saw Saruman in a Hawaii outfit? If not, then I envy you. As shocked as I was when I saw the Ford, when Saruman – wearing Bermuda pants and a blue shirt with flowers on it – came out of it, I had to grab Legolas' arm for support, or else I would've surely dropped. And it only got worse when Gandalf – wearing a pair of baggy jeans and a Nirvana T-shirt – and Elrond – in a black leather outfit, sunglasses included – also came out of the Ford. Boy, was I shocked. This time, Legolas really lost his jaw.

A few minutes later, Boromir and Faramir, the two Dudes from Gondor, arrived in a black Mercedes, and at the same time came two vans full of orcs, goblins, and, of course, the Cave Troll. I must say, he looks a lot bigger, fatter and uglier on TV. Really, he does!

Seeing as people were gathering, Gandalf and Saruman decided to improvise a DJ cabin in their Ford, with Elrond as the main DJ and the two as his assistants. Soon enough, everyone was dancing like mad.

Next came Eowyn, Theoden, Theodred and, surprisingly enough, Grima Wormtongue. I noticed how Grima seems to spend a lot of time around Eowyn – I better keep an eye on these two. Who knows? Maybe there's a chance for some summer lovin' here! J 

And speaking of summer lovin', the entrance Galadriel and her (presumably) husband made _everyone_ – not just me and Legolas – loose our jaws. Grr… @#$% Galadriel can't go anywhere without making a show of it… grrrrr…. rrr… rrr… right. I'm calm. 

Another notable pair was Arwen and Aragorn. They arrived in a beat-up Porsche, with luggage crammed in every inch available. My guess is that Arwen packed up half of Rivendell! J Another wild guess is that more than a third of her luggage consists of make-up. Tee hee hee.

After a few vans packed with more orcs, Uruk-Hai, a few dwarves (Gimli included), elves (go elves!), humans from various kingdoms and Gollum's stunt double, came the most awaited party of the morning – the five and only HOBBITS! (Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin and Bilbo) On a closer look, I saw Gollum somewhere among the luggage. Go figure…

Finally, waaay after seven thirty, the Nazgul – Ring Wraiths and the ugliest creatures ever to star in a movie – arrived at last. On foot. One of them told me their horses ran away… Geez. That's _weird _!

Our (many) tour busses are supposed to arrive at eight. It's three past eight. They're late already! Wow, what a nice start of the trip. Like I said, this vacation is gonna be long and eventful…

8:10

Mwahaha! I'm eavesdropping! Gandalf and Saruman are now picking dedications from the audience and then Elrond broadcasts them! Ssh… here comes an orc with a five dollars bill! Lessee what's the scoop! J 

Random Orc: Me want to give ded… decid… dedict…

Gandalf: Dedication. That'll be five dollars.

Random Orc: Okie dokie.

Gandalf: Okay, let's hear it!

Random Orc: From me, to… err… me! Go me!!

(My note: Either this is a very dumb orc, or what they say about the orcs having the lowest IQ in all of Middle Earth is true…)

Gandalf: (I can't see it, but I can swear he made a face!) Okay, what's your name?

Random Orc: (Try as I might, I just can't understand what he just said!)

By the way, did I tell you where I am? No? Well, I'm right _under_ their Ford! Mwahahahahahahaaa!!!… wait… somebody just stepped on my hand! Ow…

8:15

Damnit, where ARE those tour busses? 

'Newayz, since this is (presumably) going to be an objective chronicle (Legolas read over my shoulder and he's all like, "Yeah, sure!"), I'll try to focus on the main cast as much as I can and leave my personal buds somewhere in the background. So, Gandalf, Saruman and Elrond are still playing DJs, Merry, Pippin, Sam, Frodo, Bilbo and a dozen other hobbits are eating (naturally), Legolas is playing tag with Haldir, Arwen and some of my elf buddies (weird), Theoden is sleeping (naturally), the Cave Troll and some goblins are playing a game of… err, "Toss-it-up" (or something), and—did I miss anyone? Oh yeah, Aragorn, Boromir, Faramir and A-Guy-I've-Never-Seen-Before are playing poker. Wait… no. They're playing strip poker. Imagine that.

8:45

FINALLY, our tour busses are here! I managed to find a seat next to Legolas, in the same TB as the Main Dudes, minus Boromir, who accidentally got stuck in a TB full of orcs. Poor guy. (Let's remember Boromir has one of the worst cases of orc-a-phobia in Gondor and probably Middle Earth, too. Anyway, the cars that brought most of us here (me, Legolas and the Nazgul came by foot) are magical and will drive themselves home. Figures…

…And half a minute ago, in the triumphant sounds of Eminem's "Til I Collapse", we finally set off! Next stop – the Great Sea!

(Legolas says we may stop a lot sooner for "physical needs". Come to think of it, he's right.)

11:22

Boromir's TB (okay, it's not _actually_ Boromir's, just the one he's in… whatever) had a flat tire, so we had to stop for more than half an hour, until the orcs fixed it. (Again I wonder about the average orc IQ… they took the old tire as a souvenir, although there was hardly enough place for all the luggage anyway…) On other news, the driver's been playing Eminem for nearly three hours now. I think I'll crack…

15:43

Despite my promises to keep a DETAILED chronicle of events, I did whatever I did and fell asleep. By the looks of things, I missed some pretty interesting stuff… 

Legolas says Arwen got travel-sick and had to pay Gandalf 15 dollars for three paper bags. She used all three of them (ouch). Also, Merry and Pippin had their own problems (related to curves, overdrive and eating too many mushrooms). According to Legolas, they didn't have enough money to buy paper bags, and… you can figure the rest. Gandalf and Saruman barely managed to keep Aragorn from slaying the two.

I have no idea why Elrond is covered up in Mountain Dew and all sticky. Legolas either doesn't know or won't tell me. Nobody wants to sit next to him any more – I think he attracted all the flies in Middle Earth. There are two things flies are attracted to, by the way. Sweetness is one of them. I… won't mention the other.

Gimli fell asleep in between Grima and Eowyn (how did these three get together?!). Grima looks like he'd gladly kill Gimli. I bet fifty that Eowyn would give anything to be next to Aragorn right now, but Aragorn sits next to Arwen… tee hee.

You know, seen from a certain angle, Grima looks kinda like Severus Snape from the Harry Potter movie. No… wait… that's an insult to all Snapes alive.

Hello! There's an interesting thing! Bilbo is telling the story of how he found the ring! I know the others probably heard it, like, a kajillion times before, but I didn't! Here I come!!

Bilbo: …and there I was, alone, in the dark, gloomy cave, feeling my way through – when all of a sudden, my hand found something strange. It was—

Aragorn: (very, very annoyed) Wait, don't tell us. A golden ring.

Bilbo: (ignores him) A ring. And I wondered, what could a ring possibly do here? So I—

Aragorn: (whispers) Put it on.

Bilbo: (keeps ignoring him) Put it on. Then, suddenly, I heard footsteps approaching. They came closer… and closer… And they were—

Aragorn: Orcs.

Bilbo: You know, since you seem to know the story so well, why don't _you_ tell it?

Aragorn: FINE! Bilbo puts the ring on, becomes invisible, orcs don't see him, pass by, Bilbo runs into Gollum, they play charades, Bilbo wins, gets to keep the ring, goes away, yadda yadda, the end.

Sam: You know, the way you tell it, I never have the time to fall asleep.

Aragorn: Is that a good thing?

Sam: Umm… I guess so, yeah.

Gollum: But sleeps is good, precious!

Sam: Okay then, it's a bad thing.

Aragorn: Hmph.

Man… listening to these guys could become a habit! J 

19:41

I can't believe how patient some guys can be. For instance, Pippin asked Gandalf if we're there yet about fifty times already, and each time Gandalf said something like "No, young Took, we're not there yet. We'll arrive soon, don't worry." If I were him, then Pippin would have several hexes put on him by now.

The guys here in the back of the TB are already laying their bets whether we'll reach the Great Sea by nightfall or not. I bet ten dollars that we won't. A Nazgul dude bet twenty. Legolas bet fifty. He's nuts.

19:55

Gimli woke up! Why's that important, you ask? Because he's been asleep all along the trip! Grima shoved him off and tried to get closer to Eowyn, but Eowyn just pushed him away and came to sit here in the back of the TB. between me and Legolas. Much as I don't like mortals, I think Eowyn is kinda cute…

Oops. She read over my shoulder and elbowed me. Hard. Straight in the ribs. Ow! 

20:12

I hate Legolas! Honestly, I had no idea he could be _such_ a jerk! I mean, he started to sing that "Elebreth and Eowyn, sitting in a tree" thingie, just when I was getting over my timidity (and Eowyn was getting over her urge to kick me in the shin) and we were starting a decent conversation about cave trolls, swords and Helm's Deep. When she heard him, Eowyn just made a face, then went back to sit with Grima and Gimli. Why didn't she kick _him_? WHY?!

20:16

I'm just planning on how to get my revenge on Legolas. The guy talks and jokes like he has not a care in the world… Good. He doesn't suspect a thing.

20:19

Which would be the best way to get an elf? Embarrass him to death. How? Well, that's a problem. I'm gonna need some help here.

20:21

Got it! And all thanks to my new best friend, Haldir of Lòrien! I'll dye Legolas' hair GREEN! Mwahahahahahahaaa!! And I know just where to get the paint…

20:24

Our evil plan is ready. Haldir will draw Legolas outside from… wherever we'll be bunked up, and under a tree or something like that. And up in the tree, guess who will be? Me! That's right, me, ready to spill a bucket of green paint over the jerk! Mwahahahahahahahahaaa!!!

20:31

Did you know Haldir and Legolas have old issues together? Probably, but you'll never guess what kind of issues. Eh, why don't I let Haldir himself tell the story?

(Warning: Haldir's handwriting is a mess. Be warned. Take a magnifying glass and look through it. Thank you!)

Hello. Haldir of Lòrien here. Not Lothlòrien, Lòrien. Best place on Earth. Yup. That's right. Waaaay better than Lothlòrien. Galadriel, if you are reading this, I don't mean a word. For everybody else I do, I mean it with all my heart.

I'll tell you the story on how Legolas and I became mortal enemies. Well, almost mortal, since we didn't kill each other yet, but I suppose we could always do it, right? I mean, we have all the time in the world. We're elves, and this means we're immortal unless we're killed in battle or we die of grief. And neither situations will occur. How do I know? Because I saw it in Galadriel's mirror, but she doesn't know I looked into it. Bwahahahaha!!

Okay, back to our story. As you know, I am from Lòrien, and Legolas is from Mirkwood. Lòrien is better than Mirkwood, too. Just so you know. So, this one year, both me and Legolas got called over to Rivendell, to celebrate Elrond's 3000th birthday. Personally, I had had no idea Elrond was that old. I mean, he's even older than my grandfather, and he is just 2000 years old! Whoa…

So anyway. When we got there, we greeted each other like old friends. Which we were, until something happened. Something REALLY nasty. What happened, you ask? I'm just getting to that.

As you know, Elrond has a daughter. Well, Elrond has many daughters and sons (he's 3000 years old, after all). But this one daughter I'm talking about was special. Her name was Arwen, and she was the most beautiful maiden I've ever seen. Since I was much younger and a bit of a hothead, I immediately fell in love with her. Unfortunately, so did Legolas. At the party, both of us danced with Arwen, had some conversation, offered her some drinks e.t.c. The problem was, we were both in love with her. 

At midnight, both Legolas and I were drunk. Ever saw Legolas drunk? If you didn't, I have some photos for sale. Call me at 1-8000-HALDIR. Don't worry if a random orc happens to pick up the phone, just shout something about gold, hair and bows and wait for me to come to the phone. 

So, both Legolas and I were drunk, so we went outside to get some fresh air. I asked him if he liked Arwen. He said, yes. I told him Arwen was mine, and to mind his own business. He told me that _he_ was going to marry Arwen, end of question, so I better get out of his way. I called him a jerk. He called me something much worse. I tackled him. We both fell to the ground and begun landing kicks and punches. All this went on until Elrond found us wrestling in the bushes. I can't tell you how embarassing that was. I had a brown eye, Legolas had both his eyes brown, and there was mud all over our clothes. First, Elrond thought something else was going on… I won't go into the details. So anyway, he made a scene and banished us from Rivendell. Before we left, we met Arwen, and she told us that she was trhough with elves, because they're sexual freaks, and that she was going to wait two hundred years and then fall in love with a mortal. On our way home we ran into a bunch of orcs and got our butts kicked big time. When I got to Lòrien, I found out my girlfriend – yes, I had a girlfriend at the time – left me. Two days after that, my best friend fell from a tree and broke his leg. And all this because of Legolas. So there.

Well, that's a weird story. While Haldir was busy writing, we finally got to the Great Sea. And it's after nightfall. I won 50 bucks! …wait, that means Legolas won 250 bucks. HEY! No fair!

20:44 

Elrond: Everybody, move out of the bus! We will have a council right now, and I will be presiding!

Saruman: Hey, no fair, you prezided one already! I want to do it this time!

Elrond: Heck NO!

Saruman: Pleeeeease?

Elrond: (sigh) Okay, okay, suit yourself.

Saruman: Yay!

So, as you probably read above, we're gonna have a council. I can see the hotel we'll be staying at out of the window. It looks nice. I wonder if it'll be still standing after a week of us being there.

21:01

I was wrong. Just Gandalf, Elrond, Saruman and Random Orc Dude #2 are attending the council. Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin are sharing mushrooms around. I think I'll have some. Eowyn ignores both me and Grima, and she only has eyes for Aragorn. Maybe I should consider doing something nasty to him, too. I'm sure Haldir would be more than happy to help…

21:39

The council finally decided… something…

Saruman: Everyone, listen up! Caaaan youuuu heeeeaaaar meeee?

Everyone: Yeeeees, Saaaaruuumaaaan! (I had to cover my ears at that!)

Saruman: This is the hotel we'll be staying at.

Random Goblin Dude: What? This _wreck_? Oh, come on, Saruman! You're kidding, right?

Saruman: Unfortunately, no I don't. This is the cheapest hotel around the Great Sea.

Elrond: (mutters) He means the only one.

Random Goblin Dude: Oh.

Saruman: Anyway. Us members of the Council of Saruman—

Elrond: …traitor!

Saruman: —have decided to make picking roomies a lot more fun! So we'll write down the number of each room on four pieces of paper, and then everyone will extract a number.

Boromir: WHAT? You have to be kidding me! What if I get stuck with a bunch of orcs again?

Some Orcs In The Crowd: Grrr…!

Boromir: (gulp) Just forget I said anything.

Saruman: Is everyone with me? (telepathically) You'd better be, or else I'll put nasty spells on you!

Everyone: Yeeeees, Saaaaruuumaaaan!!

Saruman: All right then, you just find something to do while we write the numbers. Anyone got a pen and paper?

Legolas: Elebreth does!!

Me: Yes I do, but I won't give it away. And Legolas, you're a jerk.

Saruman: Oh. Okay. 

Random Human from Gondor dude: I have some!

Saruman: Well, hand it over!

That's it. I WILL get Legolas for this!

21:50

Those three write so slow! When do we get to sleep?

21:58

I definitely hate this.

21:59

Big time.

22:01

I bet this won't be over until midnight. Haldir and Gimli hold the bet.

22:13

FINALLY, things got rolling around here! I got room number 63, and I have no idea who's gonna be my roomie. Plus, I got a few broken toes (I think). At least twenty people stepped on my feet when I went to get my note. Including the Cave Troll. Who, by the way, brought two of his relatives from TTT, too.

22:30

Saruman: Okay, listen up! Has everyone got their tickets?

Everyone: Yeeeees, Saaaaruuumaaaan!

Saruma: Good. Now, as I call out the number of the room, the four who got it come up front, Gandalf gives them the key to the room, they give Elrond five bucks, and then they can get their luggage and go to the room. Capiche?

Everyone: Yeeeees, Saaaaruuumaaaan!

Saruman: All right then… Number one!

…

23:10

Saruman: Number 61!

(Gimli, another dwarf, a hobbit and Haldir come up front)

Saruman: Number 62!

(Three orcs and Legolas come up front)

Saruman: Number 63! (that's MY room number!)

Okay, make way, let me pass… I'm up front. Hi, Saruman!

Saruman: Hello. Hey, did you write down everything I say?

Me: Pretty much. Who—

(Aragorn makes his way to where I stand, followed by Aragorn and… Eowyn?! I must be dreaming!!)

Elrond: Here (hands Aragorn the key). Give Gandalf five dollars.

Aragorn: Okay. Here, Gandalf. For me and Arwen.

Eowyn: I only got ten dollar bills.

Me: It's okay, I'll give five dollars for you, too.

Eowyn: (for a second there I thought she was going to kick me in the shin) Okay, knock yourself out.

I'd say we're off to a good start. Wouldn't you?

23:24

We're all bunked up. The room we got has two double beds (ones with a bunk down and another one on top of it). Aragorn chosed one of the 'bottom' bunks, and Arwen and Eowyn fought over who gets the afferent 'top' bunk, until they decided it's best I stay there. Then Arwen got the other top bunk, and Eowyn had to go with the bottom one. I'm so tired… I think I'll skip getting my revenge on Legolas tonight. Yup… all I need now is sleep. Lost of it. (Sigh) _Quel du_.

By the way, for all you non-elf readers out there – _Quel du_ is Elvish for _Good night_. 

________

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Author's Note: Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Pretty, pretty please? Also, you can suggest what you would like to happen during the enchanted Seven Days of Summer – my readers are always right!


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